


Rigor Samsa

by milou407



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Get Together, Ice Skating, Jack Has Issues, Jack Zimmerman is Not Good at Feelings, Kent Parson is an asshole, M/M, Miscommunication, Panic Attacks, Stress Baking, but he tries so hard, cocoa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-19
Packaged: 2018-04-21 14:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4831676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milou407/pseuds/milou407
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rigor Samsa</p>
<p>A kind of psychological exoskeleton that can protect you from pain and contain your anxieties, but always ends up cracking under pressure or hollowed out by time- and will keep growing back again and again.</p>
<p>Or, five times Jack and Bitty each fell apart, and one time they fell together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rigor Samsa

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for mentions of panic attacks and general depressive feelings. Sorry for beating up on the boys :( But they're happy in the end! Promise!

The all-encompassing silence of the rink at seven am makes it easier for Jack to think. It might not be the healthiest thing for him right now, but it's what he craves. There's nothing but the slice of his skates through the ice, the steam of his breath puffing in front of him, and the sound of his blood pumping through his veins. He can feel the walls he has built around himself breaking down, and he starts skating looser, his technique slipping as he skates with more feeling. The perfect laps he started with begin to degrade into loops and backwards skating. The problem, however, with lowering his walls is that he can no longer protect himself from the venomous thoughts his brain is always throwing at him. He loses his control along with his tension, which makes the stress come back even harder. His brain always makes him pay for not holding himself tight enough. As his defenses lower, he starts dissecting the game from the night before, when their best just hadn't been enough. His brain starts running through a circular pattern, not noticing when his feet start to do the same, skating tighter and tighter circles until he's standing in the center of the rink, his hands visibly shaking. He's losing control, and the only thought in his head is 

_Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough not good enough notgoodenoughnotgoodenoughNOTGOODENOUGH-_

"Jack?"

His eyes snap open and he whirls around, almost falling over on the slick ice. Bittle stands at the entrance to the rink, skates on and poised to enter, but he looks hesitant and wary, as if he's unsure of his welcome in Jack's domain. For some reason, seeing him there lets Jack release some of the stress that had been building up, unclenching his fists and allowing him to sink to the ice, more stable there but also more vulnerable with his face pressed to his knees. He can hear Bitty moving as he skates towards the center of the rink, and he kneels down next to Jack. Jack knows he's being ridiculous, he's still berating himself for showing this much weakness, but he can't help but lean into the hand that Bittle puts on his shoulder. 

"Are you alright, Jack?"

He takes a deep breath in and blows it out slowly. Once he's done, he lift his head and gives Bittle a half smile, even though he knows it must look as shaky as it feels. 

"Yeah, Bittle. I'm good."

Bitty doesn't quite look like he believes him, but he's willing to pretend for Jack's sake. It's one of the things on the alarmingly long list of reasons Jack likes Bitty. And probably even _like_ likes him. Jack isn't sure yet. He still has some stuff to figure out. He should talk to Shitty soon. 

Jack tries for a smirk next and says, "Are you here for checking practice?"

Bitty snorts, "Oh Lord no. I just came here to skate, I didn't think anyone else would be here this early."

"Well, do you mind company?"

"No! Gosh, no. That's just fine," Bitty straightens and holds out his hand, "Want help getting up?"

"Sure." Jack uses Bittle as leverage, and probably holds onto his hand for a little longer than usual, enjoying the slight blush that creeps over Bitty's cheeks. They skate in relative silence, talking quietly and chirping each other intermittently, and Jack feels his walls go back up, but possibly with a small, Bittle-sized gap in them. 

\-------

During the week before finals, a hush falls over the Haus. Holster relocates to the library, and Ransom usually goes with him to make sure he eats and sleeps. Shitty barricades himself in his room, occasionally leaving to get coffee and food, mumbling about property law and gender roles. Jack usually does the same, but he's been making an effort this year to get out of his room at least twice a day. For instance, he's currently going down the stairs to get something to eat at three in the morning. Now, he hadn't anticipated Bittle's reaction to the constant stress of finals, but he really should have. Bitty is sitting at the kitchen table with his head in his hands, staring at his textbooks as three pies cool on the counter. Jack's about to walk back out and leave him to his studying when he notices the tremor that's wracking Bitty's small frame. It's constant and unrelenting, and while Bittle is still silent, Jack can recognize the signs of a panic attack (he's intimately familiar with them). 

"Hey, Bittle? You alright?"

Bitty doesn't respond, and the tremor doesn't abate. Jack sits in the chair next to him at the table and speaks softly to him again, 

"Bitty? Hey, talk to me."

Bitty turns to him and presses his head into Jack's shoulder, still shaking slightly. Jack wants to comfort him, but doesn't know how, so he settles for rubbing his back awkwardly.   
He knows it's important to give Bitty something to ground himself, so he sits and rubs his back, waiting for him to come back from wherever he is. 

Eventually the tremors stop and Bitty sits back up, rubbing at his face. He still looks tired and stressed, but he seems to be more in control now.

"Hi Jack. Sorry about that, I just-"

"I know, stress is awful. Don't worry about it, Bitty, I've got your back."

Bitty smiles slightly and his eyes are warm, "Yeah, I know you do."

"Good." Jack stands up, but instead of going back upstairs, he sets a pan on the stovetop and fills it with milk, waiting for it to warm up. 

Bitty looks over at him in fond confusion, "Jack, what are you doing?"

"Cocoa always makes me feel better when I'm upset, I thought you might want something warm to drink." Feeling awkward, he shuffles his feet and looks away. 

Even if he can't see Bittle's smile, he can hear it when he says, "That sounds lovely."

They wait in comfortable silence for the milk to heat, and Jack adds the chocolate powder. They while away the rest of the night together, talking and laughing, the tension visibly falling off of Bitty's shoulders as the night goes on. Jack can feel himself relaxing in turn, becoming less guarded and smiling easier. When they finally go to bed, Bitty hesitates in the space between their two rooms, and then attacks Jack in a massive hug, latching on and then moving to back off. Before he can, Jack puts his arms around him and pulls him back in tight.

They stand there for a minute, taking comfort together until Bitty steps back, murmurs a goodnight, and retreats into his room. Jack pauses, reveling in the warm feeling infusing his chest. 

"Goodnight, Bitty."

\---------

There's nothing anymore. Nothing but pain, regret, and shame. Sitting on the floor, leaning against his bed, Jack feels utterly and completely numb. Since Parse (Parson, Kent, _Kenny_ ) stormed out, the only thing he had been able to do was lower himself to the floor. He's too numb to cry, to think, to do anything but sit here and stare at the ground. He tries to count backwards from one hundred to get himself under control, but he gets lost somewhere around the seventies. The numbness begins to recede and instead leaves a ragged pain in his chest, like someone reached in and tore out everything that made him happy. Everything that made him feel like he was worth something, like he was _whole_ again is gone and he just feels empty and hurt. He's trying to make himself at least get up and fall into bed when he hears the hinges on his door squeak. 

Tilting his head where it rests on his knees, he can see Bitty standing in the doorway, looking simultaneously unsure of his welcome and like he wants to wrap Jack up in a blanket and cuddle him. After a minute, Jack finally stands and looks properly at Bitty, who takes that as his cue to stride over and pull Jack down into an embrace. Past hesitation, Jack returns the hug fiercely, pressing his face into the juncture between Bitty's neck and shoulder. A few sobs he can't control sneak out, and instead of pushing him away, Bitty just holds him tighter. A few minutes pass like that, and Jack finally pulls away, collapsing down onto his bed. When Bitty sits down next to him, he clears his throat and wipes at his face, trying to make himself seem less pathetic than he already is. 

"Sorry about that."

Bitty looks genuinely shocked at those words, "About what? You didn't do anything wrong."

"About...crying on you. I shouldn't be so upset and I'm sorry. I mean, it's not like what he said wasn't-" Jack cuts himself off, knowing that Bittle probably won't want him to finish that sentence. 

Exactly as he expected, Bitty is staring at him with an odd look on his face, daring him to go on.

"What are you trying to say, Jack?"

Jack sighs, "Well, he was right. Everything he said was true. It's just a matter of time... Well. Before you all realized-"

"Realized _what,_ exactly?" Bitty's got a hard, determined look on his face now, but his eyes are terribly sad. "Realized that you're an amazing captain and person? That you genuinely care about every single member of this team? Or how about the fact that you're so dedicated to us that you took time out of your schedule to help me, even when you didn't have to, because you wanted me to be better."

"Bitty-"

"No, Jack. You listen to me, and you listen good. Nothing that asshole said to you was true, and I'm going to smack you if you even hint about that again. We love you, Jack, not just because you're a fantastic hockey player, but because you're our _friend._ And I don't care who says differently, they're wrong and I'll...I'll punch them if they say anything to you again."

Jack has tears running down his face, but he doesn't even care and he smiles wetly, "You'll punch them? Bitty, no offense, but you'd probably be knocked over in a stiff wind. I don't know how effective your punch would be."

Bitty puts his hand to his chest dramatically and gasps, "Are you doubting me, Jack Laurent Zimmerman? Even after all the protein I've been eating?"

Jack laughs, and Bitty smiles, both of them quiet after that. Bitty reaches over and wipes the tears from Jack's face, and Jack wants to kiss them off of his fingertips. Bitty gets up off of Jack's bed and stands in front of him. He put his hands on Jack's shoulders, leans forward, and kisses him on the forehead. He lingers there, and then pulls back, making direct eye contact with Jack. 

"We all love you, Jack. You're worth everything to us. Don't let anyone tell you differently."

Bitty walks out, and Jack sits in stunned silence, hit by a sudden and powerful realization:

He is completely in love with Eric Richard Bittle. 

He's been suspecting it for some time, but he knows for sure now. Damn, Shitty is going to have a field day with this. 

Jack gets up, puts on his pajamas, turns off the light, and curls up in his bed. He lays in the dark for a long time before sleep finds him. 

\----

They've gotten to the point where whenever they're together, they share each other's space. Even if it's just hands brushing hips when they're in the kitchen or leaning against each other when they watch TV. So when Jack sees Bitty sitting in his room on the phone, looking distressed, he feels justified going in to sit next to him, leaning against him to offer comfort. Bitty has clearly been running his hands through his hair, given its messy state, and the corners of his eyes are tight with anxiety. Bitty leans back into his touch, but he's clearly intent on his phone call. 

"Yes Mama, I love you too. I'll call again soon. Okay, love you." Bitty hangs up and drops his phone to his lap. He sighs and leans against Jack, head moving to rest on Jack's shoulder. Jack brings his arm up around Bitty's shoulders, pulling him in closer and resting his cheek against Bitty's head.

"Everything ok?"

"Yes," Bitty nods against Jack's shoulder, "I just came out to my mom."

Jack freezes, then tightens his arm around Bitty's shoulder, "How did it go?"

"It was fine, she was really sweet about it...I just- Oh Lord."

Bitty hides his face in Jack's neck, and Jack shivers at the intimate contact.

"It's okay to be emotional, this is a really big deal. I'm glad it went well, your mom seems very sweet."

Now he can feel Bitty's smile against his neck and they really need to move apart soon because Jack is having some inappropriate reactions to Bitty being so close to him. 

"She's absolutely amazing. She taught me all I know about baking, her and my Meemaw." After this, Bitty sits up and runs his hands through his hair, smile that sweet, soft smile up at Jack. 

"Thanks, Jack. You're a good friend."

Jack's throat is tight, but he manages to croak out, "You're welcome" before he flees. 

Feelings are hard. 

\------

Jack knows he shouldn't be sitting on the floor listening to Bitty's conversation, but he really can't help it. Shitty had told him to get Bits for their game of Frisbee, but Jack had slowed when he had heard Bitty's voice coming from Shitty's room. He's talking to Lardo, Jack heard her hum in response and reply a few times, and he sounds like he's complaining. But what really made Jack stay was what Bitty was complaining about. 

"He's just so amazing. You know? He's smart, and funny, and just makes me want to be better. He's amazing at what he does, and it's all so _easy,_ you know? Like, we had a conversation yesterday when we were both passing through the quad, and I made him laugh, and it was the best sound in the world. But it felt...it felt like something I could come home to. Some _one_ I could come home to. Do you know what I mean? Ugh, I feel like a heroine from an old movie, swooning every time he passes by."

Jack's heart drops as Lardo laughs. Bitty's clearly smitten with someone, which is great, good for Bitty, but it's not _him._ Bitty's not into Jack the same way Jack likes him. And that feels worse than almost anything else has, it strips him down to his core and leaves him raw and vulnerable. 

"And it's even worse now. Because I know all these things about him I didn't know before. I didn't know how to make him laugh or smile, how to make him feel better when he misses his home and when he's feeling pressured. And knowing all these things makes me care about him even more. It's like he made a space for himself in my life and I just can't let him go. So even if he doesn't feel the same way, I'm still going to cherish him. I'm pretty sure I love him, Lardo. I don't know what I'm going to do about it, but at least I can admit that I love him."

And that's it. Jack can't listen to this anymore. He's going to find Shitty and drag him away from the Frisbee game, and they're going to get coffee (even if all he wants is a beer right now he _can't_ because it wouldn't be just the one, not now) and talk about _feelings_ because it's gotten to the breaking point and Jack just needs someone to be there and listen. 

He gets up and starts descending the stairs when he hears-

"I can admit that I'm in love with Jack Zimmerman."

-and he immediately freezes in place. 

\-------

He's standing stock still on the first step down, and Jack's brain is going into overdrive trying to process exactly what he just heard. The boy that Bitty's been gushing about, the one Bitty thinks he loves, is _him._ Bitty loves him. And oh, does Jack love Bitty back. He hadn't known what to do with the knot of feeling that was in his chest but now, now he can do something about it. Because he knows that Bitty, _Eric,_ feels it too and this is _amazing_ and wonderful and-

And Bitty is coming out of Shitty's room and all Jack's doing is standing frozen on the steps, he must look absolutely ridiculous. Bitty sees him and stops short, looking confused and then embarrassed. 

"Jack? Hey! Um, how long have you been standing there?"

"A while," Jack can feel a sly smile starting to cross his face.

Bitty immediately blushes bright red, and if Jack doesn't kiss this boy soon he's going to _die._ "So you heard..."

"All of it."

Bitty steps a bit closer, "And you're not running away?"

The grin is full-blown now, bright and easy like his smiles usually are around Bitty. "Nope. I'm staying right here."

"Why?" Bitty's close enough to touch now, standing at the top of the stairs so they're about the same height. Jack can see how brown his eyes are, dark with flecks of gold, and can hear his breath hitch when Jack reaches out a palm to cup his cheek.

"Because I love you, Eric Bittle." He leans forward to kiss him, lightly, softly, like punctuation for his equally soft declaration. 

Bitty gasps against his mouth and leans into the kiss, deepening it and pulling Jack closer to him, threading one hand into his hair and the other around his neck. Jack meets him equally, kissing him with all he has, sure of his welcome for the first time. His arms wrap around Bitty's waist, holding his warmth against Jack's chest. Once they break apart, they stay in their embrace, touching foreheads and breathing in the other's presence. 

"For how long?" Bitty whispers into the space between them.

"Months. I've waited for you forever."

Bitty pulls back more, looking down at Jack from the top of the stairs with a concerned frown, "Why didn't you say anything? I've liked you for _ages._ "

Jack's gaze drops to their feet in embarrassment, "I wasn't sure...I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. So I figured I'd wait until I knew for sure one way or the other."

Bitty reaches a little to press his lips to Jack's forehead and it feels like a blessing and a forgiveness, "You silly, ridiculous boy. You could never make me uncomfortable. I love you, in case you hadn't noticed."

And there's really only one response to that, so Jack climbs the top step, presses Bitty against the wall and kisses him until they're both breathless, and then a little bit more. In fact, the only reason they break apart is because Lardo comes out of Shitty's room to investigate the noises she heard and lets out a loud whoop, startling both of them. She rushes forward, hugs them both, and runs down the stairs and out of the Haus, hollering "SHITTY!" the whole way. 

Bitty presses his face into Jack's chest and laughs, Jack dropping his chin to the top of Bitty's head, reveling in the absolute joy permeating his whole body. He feels incandescent and weightless. The feeling only intensifies when he sees Bitty gazing up at him with the same wonder and joy that must be infusing his own expression. 

Bitty kisses him again and begins pulling him towards his bedroom. Jack breaks away gasping, "Are you sure?" before Bitty gives him a look.

"Are you implying I don't know my own mind, Mr. Zimmerman?"

Jack stutters, "No, I-I just didn't... didn't want you to think that that's all I was here for."

Bitty's gaze softens and he smiles a sweet, small smile, "Jack, are you asking me to be your boyfriend?"

" _Yes._ " Thank everything for Bitty, who can apparently read his mind and know where his jumbled thoughts are leading.

Bitty's smile turns blinding, and he keeps pulling Jack towards his bedroom, "Well, I accept. Now, would you mind joining me so we can continue this discussion in my bedroom?"

Jack sighs playfully, "If I have to."

He laughs when Bitty pinches his side lightly, and then pulls the door closed behind them.

(It doesn't stay closed for long because Shitty bursts through to verify the truth for himself, unprepared for the state of undress they both are in. He completely disregards that fact to congratulate them on getting their heads out of their collective asses.

It takes a shoe thrown at his head to get him to leave.)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments/kudos are always appreciated, and you can find me at shipalltheboats.tumblr.com
> 
> Much love


End file.
